Role models..

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Role Models

 

The other day I watched “ Miss Representation” , I honestly can’t tell you what I think of it- I think partially I found it annoying, partially sad that it seems to remain a reality that the cycle of woman-hate both internally and externally is ever perpetuated.

But what it did spur in me were thoughts about who my role models were when I was younger and even those who I find myself admiring these days.

I was always  when we played spice girls. Though I much preferred

for halloween or a retro day party I could be

I painfully remember a teacher once suggesting I be  for a dress up day.

gr. 6 I fell in love with  that is a crush that I still very strongly have, that one I am thankful for..

when I lived in the Yukon, working at the Black Market and really out and about I am asked if I might just be

in the trailer for MR I found no affiliation to the women shown, Rosario Dawson perhaps..but that , like the others is because out of the vaguest semblances she is someone who I vaguely see parts of my outward appearance in.

The ones aforementioned pain me because none of them are arab women, I’ve never had an arab (let alone muslim) woman role model.. makes me wonder how deep the self hate that I scrape my knees on every once in awhile goes. Seeing myself reflected in popular media has affected me more than I realized..as in I’ve never seen myself reflected in popular media as a young, independent arab woman raised in a north american context. It has been easier to adopt a ‘latina’ alias as people often assume thats my heritage and I don’t always feel the need to correct them especially when they don’t forward their assumption.

searching arab woman on google images brings me this..

or this

or this

 

it’s interesting to do this because it seems as though the theme of my role models has been black women and I just have no connection to the “arab woman” which could be the underlying cause of why I’ve spent so much money on hair removal, hair manipulation and identity confusion.

 

I don’t have a cohesive way to finish this right now.. I guess I’ll have to write more!

 

 

even my conditioning is conditioned.

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Nice Hair

I’ve always hated my hair.

Now that statement may have some exaggerated aspects to it but it’s mainly true, as a teen I hated having white women reaching out to touch my hair as they pleased like it was their right to “oh! Just touch it!” I still do.

I grew my hair out after always having it short to get my mother+ aunts off my back-” you need to look more feminine” “you have the nicest hair” “how will you ever find someone who likes you with hair like that?” etc. I did it to be left alone, that certainly didn’t mean I liked it.

It meant that after some especially traumatizing experiences in my first year of university with men I was more than inclined to rid myself of it and its imposed femininity , I took it on with gusto!

My friend Phil cut off my long long hair in a field with goats around us and as he was essentially shearing my head said “ I love when I cut a woman’s hair and she ends up shaving her head afterwards” I didn’t go that far but I had short hair again and I was shocked stoked! I loved having a curly bob, something to be constantly altered and picked at, ever changing with the weather.

That was about 5 years ago now, I have since grown my hair back but not in vain (har har) when I began training capoeira 2 years ago I decided that I wanted to grow my hair as the proverbial carrot- essentially once I could perform the acts (feats some might say) that I coveted I would cut my hair off as my reward. Said feats are still in progress, a solid cartwheel, an immovable handstand, and a good flying, spinning kick are all on my to-do, having long hair sometimes presents itself in my mind as protection, a weapon and a diversion to my opponents.. there is no science to that- it’s really my half-baked imagination but I subscribe nonetheless.

Proof that Western Women are Brain Washed – YouTube

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Proof that Western Women are Brain Washed – YouTube.

This is one of those things that I feel so strangely about, though we(?) all know that photoshop is the standard , I’ve got some problems believing that a giant corporation like Dove (Unilever) is realistically pushing for the emancipation of women from image confines that it profits from… get real dudes.

Hello world!

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ell, first blog- It’s taken awhile though I am keen- my dear friend and coworker Andrew coached me through today and I do owe him a lot of credit- he encouraged me to treat this like a conversation; a rant, something fun to share, just pretend we’re sitting down to a cup of tea.

I’d like to talk about “being bad” mainly because I catch myself doing it, saying it and thinking it (about me and others- it’s true I judge, we all do.. NOW that’s a real january goal to get rid of…)

I don’t even feel like I need to define “being bad”, but I will- it is eating more than I “should” , more of the fatty stuff even if it is good fat, it is eating late, it is eating wheat and dairy, eating cake only for breakfast, it is not eating breakfast and it goes on..

I’m not needing to make these things “ok” nor do I encourage them really- I believe I should listen to my body and do what it needs, the problem lies in the white noise and the little comments I make about “being bad” as though I need to let everyone know that I eat in a nutritionally sound way that also happens to involve making sure I do what I should to maintain or improve my body.

This falls into the greater picture of looking “good” I’ve got a curvy body, heavy set, if I let it it I would easily gain excess weight and carry it until my death- in aruveyda I am a kapha – the one of water, heavy, grounded , definitely got a wide set of bones . I am happy with this station in life physically, sure it has its challenges- feeling like for the longest time the only thing people noticed were my breasts , always being told I looked “sexy” never sweet, nor nice- always hot, which led me to believe people thought I was so sexually active thanks to my body…. Back to my train of thought! I love my body it’s strong , it’s a machine! It likes all kinds of different things! I am not being “BAD” I’m doing what I want to! It’s just balance! HA!

 

Ok.. how’s that? Too disjointed? The next one is writing itself as I write this.. whoa now!